Openness

On the spectrum of values, where does the spirit of openness fit? In the Five-Factor Model, openness includes five personality characteristics, including active imagination, aesthetic sensitivity, attentiveness to inner feelings, preference for variety, and intellectual curiosity. (One reference that may be of value here is McCrae R. R., John O. P. (1992). "An introduction to the Five-Factor Model and its applications". Journal of Personality 60 (2): 175–215.).

Aside from the Five-Factor Model, openness might also be regarded as willingness, lack of deceitfulness, honesty and ingenuousness in personal dealings.  Candor is included, not so much as not lying, but rather a personal naivete, an innocence of demeanor, a demeanor that is unabashed and unfettered. 

In all interpersonal dealings, being as clean and free of ulterior motives and contrivances, encourages others to be forthcoming and honest in their dealings with you in return. But what of the fear that some communications, interactions or relationships may not be appropriate? How does openness fit there? It is the proverbial elephant in the room: it cannot be ignored. It is there, taking space, blocking the TV, making all kinds of noises, and unless discussion ensues about how to deal with the animal, Pluto stays, creating more mischief.

There is something fascinating at work in what is known as reality testing. The reality we imagine is sometimes far different from the reality that is revealed. What we imagine, even if we are very sentient, sensitive, intelligent, and observant, is sometimes quite deceptive; other times it is much clearer.  The problem arises when we do not check it out, when we relegate it to the obscure corridors of our minds.  

I was petrified when it became clear that we were moving in the direction of marriage.  The difference in our cultures, the difference in our languages, the sheer distance between us only served to create monsters in my mind of what life would be married to a Japanese man.  I read books, talked to whoever would listen, went to therapy, all in a valiant effort to try to make sense of my anxieties.  It then became clear that I had to visit Japan, his land, his milieu, to get a feel for whether my impressions were correct, or merely figments of my imagination on steroids.  A trip to Japan did the trick.  It was simply new geography, and the man was just another human being! Imagine that! A human! And lo these many years later, he is more human than ever.

Does confronting the elephant in the room always "work"? That, of course, depends on one's definition, doesn't it. It works insofar as it confronts what is unspoken; and what is unspoken may be a source of clarity and joy, instead of something dreaded.  One may discover friendship and understanding, rather than rejection and enmity.  And Pluto would become a child's toy.