On Forgiveness

   “When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.”

― Bernard Meltzer

Truer words could not have been spoken.  Forgiveness is a sticky sentiment.  It is lauded in the Bible and promoted in various ways by our preachers.  Politicians and other illuminati frequently beg our forgiveness in the media.  It is said that to forgive is divine.  But what, exactly, does forgiveness mean?  As the quote above expresses, forgiveness does not erase the past.  In other words, forgiveness does not magically make you forget the ills that have been committed.  A Holocaust survivor will never forget the horrors of the camps - nor should he.  Forgiveness is acceptance.  In its most divine state, forgiveness might include empathy.  But its most elementary characteristic is acceptance - of the offenses committed against you, real or imagined, slanders or insults, real or imagined, and the ability to move on without resentment.  It is resentment and anger that are the barriers to forgiveness, because as long as you hang on to anger, you are repeating the offending incident in your mind, recalling all its nuances, embellishing over time certain parts, including the persons involved, their motivations for harming you, rehearsing in your mind the various ways to cope - respond in kind, send a letter, cut off the relationship, talk to the supervisor - and are keeping the negative incident alive in your mind and heart.  That is not forgiveness.

"But," you say, "how can you just let it go and move on?  Easy for you to say - you don't know what he did to me."  The circumstances of the offense does not weigh in on whether or not to forgive.  Nazi Germany certainly was replete with sins too horrific to mention, and yet some survivors were able to forgive.  How does that square with our notions that our forgiveness depends on whether someone apologizes, or whether he or she promises never to repeat the offense, or, indeed, whether the offense "deserves" to be forgiven?  The answer is, it does not.  Forgiveness does not depend on circumstances; forgiveness is a state of being.  And far more than an abject submission, forgiveness is a badge of strength of character.  When you forgive another, you are not required to face him or her with a smile on your face and a bouquet of flowers, spouting insipid words like "I forgive you."  When you forgive, you are placing yourself in a position that claims, "You have not defeated me with your hurt; I am still me, I still have my values and strengths, and I am still as happy as I was before." (More on happiness later).  You are not turning the other cheek and saying, Go ahead, hit me again, I can take it.  No.  You acknowledge the hurt (to yourself) and then proceed with your life with equanimity, with balance, with serenity.