tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73553729481572507652024-02-07T10:31:14.728-08:00The Book of ValuesA Moral Compass - Ideals To Live ByYaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-58505202687145459962014-07-01T06:44:00.002-07:002014-07-01T06:45:28.896-07:00HumilityThere are those who take on an overabundance of guilt. There are others who seem to accept no responsibility whatsoever. Both are extreme. Both are harmful.<br />
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There should be some kind of balance between accepting responsibility, having a conscience, regretting some aspects of the past, and yielding to current situations. There is also something to be said about having some modicum of humility - that when a correction is put in, perhaps one should listen and see whether it fits. To do otherwise is arrogant.<br />
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That is not to say that one should merely submit to any criticism - that is just as harmful, and is descriptive of the one who assumes too much responsibility, takes on too much of the guilt. That's not helpful either - not as a representation of remorse, nor as a plea for forgiveness. It serves no one to prostrate oneself on the altar of regret. But it serves one greatly to be humble, and in such humility to realize one's errors, realize that perhaps one is not perfect after all, and that one lives within a community. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-5707141254165276982014-06-24T06:49:00.000-07:002014-06-24T06:49:17.656-07:00Your Life is Perfect<span style="font-weight: bold;">“</span><cite>Doubt is a virus that attacks our self-esteem, productivity
and confidence. Faith that you and your life are perfectly unfolding is the
strongest vaccine.</cite><span style="font-weight: bold;">”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 1em; font-weight: bold; padding-left: 12px;">―
Sean Stephenson</span><br />
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No matter what is happening in our lives - and to be sure, some events and circumstances are indeed awful, frightening, and unfortunate - our lives are perfect. Our lives are unfolding exactly as they should be, given our understanding, given our experiences, given our beliefs and expectations, given our values. Our lives merely reflect - they do not guide. We are the guideposts, the beacons, the paths upon which unfold the issues of our existence.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-72801454641710371032014-06-14T06:24:00.000-07:002014-06-14T06:36:25.680-07:00Values<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tree_of_virtue.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="An example of a tree of virtues." class="zemanta-img-inserted" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/39/Tree_of_virtue.jpg/300px-Tree_of_virtue.jpg" height="310" title="An example of a tree of virtues." width="276" /></a><br />
Our lives are full of obligations, families, duties, activities and conflicting messages. Few have mastered the art of focusing on what is important. Indeed, what is important means different things to different people. But there are some inalienable pursuits which are common to all of humanity, throughout the millennia; pursuits which are fundamental to living a "good" life; values and virtues which unify us at the deepest levels. Here, I will attempt to uncover those values, and discuss them in the context of today's harried lifestyle.<br />
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Here, then, is an exploration of some essential attributes that are the measure of a human being - not riches; not good looks; not a smooth tongue; not social status. Nothing defines being human as much as what has come to be understood as <em>character</em>; and all virtue, value and worthy pursuit are for the sake of character.<br />
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Values can be thought of as those qualities which enhance human relationships. They form the foundation of ethical behavior, and are guideposts for actions and potential outcomes. They represent a code of conduct, a moral beacon to a life well lived. And these values, when put into practice, enhance the lives of others, but also our own.<br />
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There are ideals worth pursuing. They form a code of conduct, a moral guide that is consistent with a life well lived. These ideals represent values which, when put into practice, enhance the lives of others, as well as our own. Come along on this journey with me, and let's explore the world of virtues<br />
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<a href="http://www.worthypursuits.wordpress.com/">http://www.worthypursuits.wordpress.com</a> is the tie-in to this blog.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-30833516793449104002014-06-05T09:18:00.003-07:002014-06-05T10:00:32.749-07:00It All Began With The Seven and SevenI gave a speech entitled "The Seven and Seven - the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Virtues." It was so well received, that I decided to turn it into a blog, and continue to write about my understanding of how religious "sins," as defined so long ago, might be relevant to today's mores. Thus began this blog. Not content to discuss my views in blog format, I proceeded to write a book by the same name, leaving blog entries to the occasional random musings that might inspire me in my daily life.<br />
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There are those readers who might wonder about me: What gives me any authority to write on ethics; indeed, am I an ethical person at all?<br />
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The answer may not satisfy everyone, of course. Morals and ethics are hardly static, as viewed throughout history. There are, to be sure, some fundamental, immutable values that seem to apply to everyone, in almost every culture; values that foster community and harmony. But one does not need to be a person of the cloth to feel, and then to write about important elements among people.<br />
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There are those that might cynically complain that I am a hypocrite; that my own life experiences are no example of upstanding virtue. Yet, wouldn't a flawed life be at the very basis of what is good and precious and worthy to be pursued?<br />
<br />Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-79321967480049812662014-04-30T13:50:00.004-07:002014-05-03T07:34:42.766-07:00ResilienceI have been called to task from several angles about my leadership of the club, not the least of which is the direct challenge to unseat me. Democracy at work. That is not quite as stinging as the gratuitous comments that have filled my email from some unexpected sources, people who are either not part of the executive committee, and even from someone who has not been a member for some time, but still has found it necessary to reproach my level of professionalism. What's surprising to me is my reaction. Surely I'm tougher than that, no? Evidently not. I wonder if other people in position of leadership get their noses bent out of shape as easily as I. I'm sensitive, perhaps overly so. I have expressed my vision for the club, and have met with enormous resistance. This latest round of critical communiques comes on the heels of nominations, with everyone volunteering his/her version of how things should be. In one of my letters to the membership, it seems I may have been indirectly critical of previous leadership of the club, and such veiled references are now getting my head handed to me, with such comments as my supposedly having disrespected previous leadership, or leading the membership in a direction that requires a bit more work and dedication. The task at hand is not to strive ever harder to be perfect, but rather to lean into the criticism and accept it; take responsibility for my role in generating criticism; and then let it sit in my lap like a brick. Eventually the weight of the brick will feel familiar, or someone may simply choose to relieve me of the burden. As to behavior, keep doing the best I can, and "keep your head when all about you are losing theirs. ... or being lied about, don't deal in lies, ... If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build-em up with worn-out tools..." The genius that was Kipling.<br />
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I cannot hide or escape, though I'd like to. It would be easy to simply bow out, and yield the baton to my challenger. She certainly is qualified. But this is a learning opportunity for me. In fact, this is my opportunity to swim in the pool of my own discomfort, and face that discomfort square on, analyze it, and try to overcome it. The "it" in this case is asserting myself, pushing back where necessary and appropriate, yielding where necessary. It is pain that alerts one to changes that ought to occur, and the change here is my reaction. Do I feel stung? Certainly. Do I feel unsupported? Yes. Do I think I have all the answers on how to do a good job? Of course not. But I do have certain qualities; I have my own style, and I must make sure to present my best, to lead with integrity to my own principles, knowing that I will not please everybody, and they have the right to choose. <br />
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Resilience is my own mission. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-60710850754850262722014-04-17T10:36:00.003-07:002014-04-17T11:17:12.045-07:00OpennessOn the spectrum of values, where does the spirit of openness fit? In the Five-Factor Model, openness includes five personality characteristics, including active imagination, aesthetic sensitivity, attentiveness to inner feelings, preference for variety, and intellectual curiosity. (One reference that may be of value here is <span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">McCrae R. R., John O. P. (1992). "An introduction to the Five-Factor Model and its applications". <i>Journal of Personality</i> <b>60</b> (2): 175–215.).</span></span><br />
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<span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">Aside from the Five-Factor Model, openness might also be regarded as willingness, lack of deceitfulness, honesty and ingenuousness in personal dealings. Candor is included, not so much as not lying, but rather a personal naivete, an innocence of demeanor, a demeanor that is unabashed and unfettered. </span></span><br />
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<span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">In all interpersonal dealings, being as clean and free of ulterior motives and contrivances, encourages others to be forthcoming and honest in their dealings with you in return. But what of the fear that some communications, interactions or relationships may not be appropriate? How does openness fit there? It is the proverbial elephant in the room: it cannot be ignored. It is there, taking space, blocking the TV, making all kinds of noises, and unless discussion ensues about how to deal with the animal, Pluto stays, creating more mischief. </span></span><br />
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<span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">There is something fascinating at work in what is known as reality testing. The reality we imagine is sometimes far different from the reality that is revealed. What we imagine, even if we are very sentient, sensitive, intelligent, and observant, is sometimes quite deceptive; other times it is much clearer. The problem arises when we do not check it out, when we relegate it to the obscure corridors of our minds. </span></span><br />
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<span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">I was petrified when it became clear that we were moving in the direction of marriage. The difference in our cultures, the difference in our languages, the sheer distance between us only served to create monsters in my mind of what life would be married to a Japanese man. I read books, talked to whoever would listen, went to therapy, all in a valiant effort to try to make sense of my anxieties. It then became clear that I had to visit Japan, his land, his milieu, to get a feel for whether my impressions were correct, or merely figments of my imagination on steroids. A trip to Japan did the trick. It was simply new geography, and the man was just another human being! Imagine that! A human! And lo these many years later, he is more human than ever.</span></span><br />
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<span class="reference-text"><span class="citation journal">Does confronting the elephant in the room always "work"? That, of course, depends on one's definition, doesn't it. It works insofar as it confronts what is unspoken; and what is unspoken may be a source of clarity and joy, instead of something dreaded. One may discover friendship and understanding, rather than rejection and enmity. And Pluto would become a child's toy. </span></span>Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-9365293600729446202014-04-03T07:42:00.000-07:002014-04-03T07:42:07.192-07:00Where is God? <span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">“</span><cite style="color: black;">I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my
God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all
three.</cite><span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">”</span><br /><br /><span style="color: black; font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: bold; padding-left: 12px;">―
William Blake </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 0.9em; padding-left: 12px;">How poetic and profound. Probably not for the faint of heart or the zealots. It is said that God made us in his image, and yet we so often fail to see God in each other. How sad, and how limiting. </span><span style="color: black; font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: bold; padding-left: 12px;"><br /></span>Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-37847900339524231332014-02-05T12:26:00.001-08:002014-04-17T09:54:09.682-07:00FRUSTRATIONThe Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines frustration as: <br />
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-<i>a feeling of anger or annoyance caused by being unable to do something : the state of being frustrated</i><br />
<i>-something that causes feelings of anger and annoyance : something that frustrates someone</i><br />
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<i>-the act of preventing the success of something : the act of frustrating something</i></div>
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Frustration is a source of stress. The best description for frustration is the inability to do something that one wants to do. For example, someone who has lost a limb, and must now retrain to walk is no doubt experiencing extreme frustration. Or a caregiver who tries his or her best to accommodate and help an elderly parent who insists on retaining control, who refuses to listen to reason, indeed, who may no longer be capable of appreciating reason, experiences frustration as well. Or the writer who is under a deadline to produce work, and yet is constantly interrupted by conflicting demands. </div>
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In its purest form, frustration is an interruption of flow. It is the emotional response to opposition. </div>
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How do you overcome frustration? I'm not sure it's possible, any more than overcoming fear or hunger: Emotion is centered in the amygdala and is a throwback to our reptilian days, when we evolved various responses to deal with our environment. </div>
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To claim that we are no longer chased by saber-toothed tigers, and therefore, no longer need this particular emotional response (frustration) is to miss the point. We feel frustration because we are hard wired to do so.</div>
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A more accurate question might be, what situations do we allow ourselves to react to? Are all of them worthy of this innate response? That is what needs to be answered, and perhaps with self-understanding, we might discover better, more appropriate responses to our life stresses. </div>
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Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-6601121970387419412014-01-20T06:48:00.002-08:002014-01-20T06:48:51.371-08:00CommitmentIn working on my book on Values, I have become aware of how difficult it can be to adhere to values that are ostensibly close to my heart. One of them is commitment. If I'm writing about commitment, and believe commitment to be a lofty ideal, why do I find it difficult? Perhaps because it is so easy. This might sound contradictory, but hear me out: Success can sometimes be a deceitful friend, in that it can lull you to think of yourself as strong without having to prove it to yourself again and again. So if you've been successful in losing 20 pounds before, you might now sleep on your laurels, so to speak, content in the knowledge that you can do it. But clearly without continued commitment, those 20 pounds are very likely to creep right back.<br />
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This is the dichotomy: the simplicity of commitment, and the required stick-to-itiveness that it commands. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-70231801168875855152014-01-17T11:59:00.001-08:002014-01-17T11:59:10.277-08:00Accountability and Responsibility<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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“To say you have no choice is to relieve yourself of responsibility.”
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<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/370361.Patrick_Ness">Patrick Ness</a></div>
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A
popular buzz phrase has evolved in everyday lexicon: I’m responsible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone, it seems, from CEOs to politicians
are assuming this mantle of “responsibility.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The word – and sentiment – has become so widespread, that it is almost
losing its meaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you say, “I’m
responsible for that,” do you know what that means?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you prepared to assume the consequences of such
responsibility? </div>
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Then
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, when testifying before Congress regarding
her role in the Benghazi fiasco, repeatedly stated, “I’m responsible…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being responsible implies being answerable
for one’s role and actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It means
being trustworthy for one’s conduct and obligations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It demands a measure of prudence, of careful and sensible
judgment and implementation of one’s decision. </div>
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Yet,
beyond these definitions, what were the consequences of the Benghazi affair?
Without justifying mistakes or rationalizing poor judgment, or blaming lack of
complete information, how do we manage this onus of responsibility? Can we find
compelling reasons to explain away a situation? </div>
Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-78028262652626142662013-12-07T07:47:00.001-08:002013-12-07T07:47:18.968-08:00Situational EthicsWe are governed by age-old moral values, going back to the Ten Commandments. In the case of the Sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill, that seems a straight-forward injunction. No killing means no killing. Period. Even of an annoying mosquito.<br />
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But what about a situation where the line is not so easily drawn, say, during war? One may be a conscientious objector, but what about a situation where one is in an accident, and the question arises whether to save your child or your spouse? Suddenly, such moral edicts are no longer so straight-forward. Indeed, even if trying to apply the letter of the law, one might look through the writings of the ancients, and come to recognize that even the Almighty has killed and destroyed. <br />
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Situational ethics - a weighty subject. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-46125102705199879452013-12-07T07:44:00.000-08:002013-12-07T07:44:20.479-08:00The Essence of BuddhismThe Four Noble Truths: <br />
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The Eightfold Path:<br />
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The Five Precepts: The Code of Moral Conduct<br />
<ul>
<li>Do not kill</li>
<li>Do not steal</li>
<li>Do not lie</li>
<li>Do not be unchaste</li>
<li>Do not take intoxicants</li>
</ul>
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<span id="goog_297164780"></span><span id="goog_297164781"></span><br />Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-9735774585238003452013-12-07T07:30:00.000-08:002013-12-07T07:30:02.895-08:00Forgiveness is the key<span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">“</span><cite style="color: black;">Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will
kill your enemies.</cite><span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">”</span>
<br /><br /><span style="color: black; font-weight: bold; padding-left: 12px;">―
Nelson Mandela </span><br />
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The world is celebrating Mandela's life, his extraordinary sacrifice and tenacity of character in the face of enormous challenges and hardships. The above quote is so moving, no rich in spiritual forgiveness, no deeply needed. Isn't that what so many of us do - hold onto resentment as if our own bitterness will somehow change the object of our anger? Forgiveness is the key, but forgiveness is difficult. Indeed, forgiveness requires tremendous effort. Because forgiveness is an act for yourself - not the party who injured you. Forgiveness is your own behavior. In fact, the person who injured you may not even be aware that you have forgiven him (or, for that matter, that you may still be angry with him). But YOU are. You are the one carrying around this feeling of anger and bitterness, and it is eating YOU - not the one who hurt you. If you believe that by remaining angry, you are somehow paying him back with an "I'll show him," sadly it is you who suffers. And the suffering can go very deeply indeed, affecting your sleep, your health, your other relationships, your entire physiology and psychology. <br />
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Read the quote above. It says so much. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-66383882994233587072013-07-10T07:02:00.001-07:002013-07-10T07:02:15.032-07:00On Forgiveness <span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">“</span><cite style="color: black;">When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you
sure do change the future.</cite><span style="color: black; font-weight: bold;">”</span> <br /><br /><span style="color: black; font-weight: bold; padding-left: 12px;">― Bernard Meltzer
</span><br />
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Truer words could not have been spoken. Forgiveness is a sticky sentiment. It is lauded in the Bible and promoted in various ways by our preachers. Politicians and other illuminati frequently beg our forgiveness in the media. It is said that to forgive is divine. But what, exactly, does forgiveness mean? As the quote above expresses, forgiveness does not erase the past. In other words, forgiveness does not magically make you forget the ills that have been committed. A Holocaust survivor will never forget the horrors of the camps - nor should he. Forgiveness is acceptance. In its most divine state, forgiveness might include empathy. But its most elementary characteristic is acceptance - of the offenses committed against you, real or imagined, slanders or insults, real or imagined, and the ability to move on <em>without resentment</em>. It is resentment and anger that are the barriers to forgiveness, because as long as you hang on to anger, you are repeating the offending incident in your mind, recalling all its nuances, embellishing over time certain parts, including the persons involved, their motivations for harming you, rehearsing in your mind the various ways to cope - respond in kind, send a letter, cut off the relationship, talk to the supervisor - and are keeping the negative incident alive in your mind and heart. That is not forgiveness. <br />
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"But," you say, "how can you just let it go and move on? Easy for you to say - you don't know what he did to me." The circumstances of the offense does not weigh in on whether or not to forgive. Nazi Germany certainly was replete with sins too horrific to mention, and yet some survivors were able to forgive. How does that square with our notions that our forgiveness depends on whether someone apologizes, or whether he or she promises never to repeat the offense, or, indeed, whether the offense "deserves" to be forgiven? The answer is, it does not. Forgiveness does not depend on circumstances; forgiveness is a state of being. And far more than an abject submission, forgiveness is a badge of strength of character. When you forgive another, you are not required to face him or her with a smile on your face and a bouquet of flowers, spouting insipid words like "I forgive you." When you forgive, you are placing yourself in a position that claims, "You have not defeated me with your hurt; I am still me, I still have my values and strengths, and I am still as happy as I was before." (More on happiness later). You are not turning the other cheek and saying, Go ahead, hit me again, I can take it. No. You acknowledge the hurt (to yourself) and then proceed with your life with equanimity, with balance, with serenity. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-81701523796848774452013-03-08T10:31:00.001-08:002013-03-08T10:31:30.551-08:00SacrificeI was a judge at a speech competition this morning, in which one of the contestants spoke of service. He expounded on this theme by stating that part of service involves self-sacrifice. Indeed, personally tending to the sick and poor would be considered self-sacrifice, much more so than, say, a Hollywood celebrity donating money, though I don't mean to discount the value of money as an aid in times of need. Still, it struck me that this young man would have such wisdom as to recognize that some measure of self-sacrifice is almost a given when one renders a service to another, especially if that "another" is not deserving. One does not need to deserve a sacrifice or a service, because the service is offered as a gift; the sacrifice is an exercise of the giver, not the receiver. Whatever satisfaction may be garnered would inure to the giver. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-71040934142894756272013-01-06T07:58:00.000-08:002013-01-06T07:58:19.000-08:00Opportunity<span class="q"><strong>“</strong></span><cite>If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down
the shade.</cite><span class="q"><strong>”</strong></span> <br /><br /><span class="author"><strong> ― Tom
Peters </strong></span><br />
<span class="author"><strong></strong></span><br />
<span class="author">Carpe diem - seize the day, or in this case, seize the opportunity. But, as the quote above suggests, opportunity is often overlooked, or simply not recognized as such. Consider one of my favorite stories: After a violent storm, a man was standing on the roof of his home, praying for help, while around him flooding and destruction abounded. One of his neighbors threw a rope from his own untouched home and begged the man to crawl over to safety, but the man refused, saying that God would save him. As the storm became even more dreadful, some people came by in a rowboat and shouted at him to join them to safety, but the man refused, claiming that God would save him. Later, a helicopter flew by with a basket and men to help him to safety, but again the man refused, claiming that God would save him. When the man died, he stood before God and cried, 'I've been a faithful man, I have gone to church, I have prayed, why did you not save me?' To which God replied, 'I sent you a rope, I sent you a rowboat, I sent you a helicopter, but each time you refused my help.'</span><br />
<span class="author"></span><br />
<span class="author">Opportunity may not always appear as we expect. It may assume curious personnas. The wisdom is in recognizing opportunity when it appears. </span>Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-71125720197070430382012-10-18T09:31:00.000-07:002012-10-18T09:31:10.897-07:00ForbearanceForbearance means patience. More precisely, it means "putting up with," enduring. We have been trained to look out for No. One, take care of ourselves, and not put up with unpleasant people or situations. But in effect, it is impossible to live a life completely devoid of unpleasantness. If you go hide in the mountains to meditate, eventually you will become lonely. If you spend your days at the beach, you may miss your family and friends, you may even develop skin cancer, not to mention the fact that without stimulus, your brain may shrink. There are many situations that must be endured. For example, eating a healthy diet on a consistent basis requires some forbearance, because it means doing without some of our more pleasurable foods. Being married requires forbearance, as we iron our differences and establish a modus vivendi with out spouse. So does raising children require forbearance. Likewise, being single requires forbearance, as does making a living. <br />
<br />
Every life situation requires some measure of forbearance. The ability to endure with serenity is the virtue to be aspired to. If forbearance is a given, our attitude toward it may require work. Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-72126647910363860752012-08-08T09:11:00.000-07:002012-10-06T06:54:51.645-07:00MendacityWow, what a gorgeous word. How eloquent.<br/><br/><strong>Mendacity</strong> (n.) means deceitfulness, dishonesty, puffery, misrepresentation, disingenuousness. I just read a wonderful article by artist and author, Jack White (<a href="http://faso.com/fineartviews/47488/mendacity">http://faso.com/fineartviews/47488/mendacity</a>) in which he specifically discusses the downside of using mendacity to sell one's art, either by exaggerating one's talents, or otherwise misrepresenting their accomplishments or the value of their art. This type of dishonesty is rampant in our society. Sadly, it seems even to be encouraged, as when parents praise their children for anything they do from the time they get up in the morning; every word from these parents' mouths is "I'm proud of you, Johnny." That does not teach the child the value of perseverance, or struggle and effort; and it certainly discourages the child from developing a backbone of honesty.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-64661078267818261952012-07-04T09:39:00.000-07:002013-01-07T05:25:58.547-08:00Too Many MindsIn the movie, <em>The Last Samurai</em>, the character played by Tom Cruise was having difficulty holding his own against his opponent during sword training. He was continually tossed and beaten, until the son of the village's samurai approached him and said, "Too many minds, too many minds." When Cruise looked quizically at him, the young man explained, "Mind wind, mind trees, mind mountain -- too many minds. Only fight." After that, Cruise returned to the training, and was able to stand up strong against his trainer.<br />
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Of course, the moral is that when doing something, anything, the task is to focus; remove all other items from one's consciousness; be at hand and on task. It is a matter of concentrating, and giving one's full attention to whatever one is doing.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-25995353814032508222012-06-28T12:15:00.000-07:002014-04-17T09:45:33.237-07:00Perfect!If I told you I had the perfect marriage, would you believe me? You might. But more likely, you would simply smile benignly, thinking to yourself, Yeah, right. Most likely, you would be listening through your own filters, which have been shaped by your upbringing, your environment and your own personality. But consider for a moment. We have all made mistakes in our lifetimes. And we have all made choices in our lifetimes. As a dear friend pointed out, a mistake is spilling a glass of milk -- it's an unfortunate event, and is not likely to affect your entire life. A choice is a decision you made -- consciously or unconsciously -- that has brought you to your current situation. Your life right now is a reflection of all the choices you made in the past. When I claim that your life is perfect, I mean that it is exactly as it should be. It is precisely as you designed it.<br />
<br />
Now, you might protest, but did I choose to be fat? or, did I decide to have a heart attack (or some other disease, fill in the blank)? In a sense, you did. Your choices are not necessarily conscious choices, but they are still choices. Your current state of health is a direct reflection of how you have lived your life until this moment. Consider your choice of spouses. Did married life turn out as you expected? If so, great - you get to feel proud of a choice well made; if not, the choice is still yours, to stay or leave or effect changes. And remember that whatever changes are needed require effort from both parties. Also remember that whatever change you choose to make may not be the "final" change that will hereafter carry you on wings of bliss from this moment on. A choice is for the moment. Its outcome may last much longer. The important thing to realize is that we do have choices. They can sometimes be obscure, difficult to make, difficult to accept as one's own. It's much easier to lay blame on outside circumstances.<br />
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I realize it is unnerving to look at one's life and admit that it is perfect just as it is. It almost suggests boasting, or capitulation. If it's so perfect, from the viewpoint that it is a perfect reflection of all our experiences and choices up to this moment, why seek to make any changes? If we are to accept our life as perfect just as it is, this would not argue against making changes in the present moment. Remember that whatever we do at this moment becomes our past one moment later. Therefore, if you feel your marriage does not support you, assess your options and consider the consequences. Whatever you decide to do will then be your life at that point. Can you be guaranteed that your life will be "better" after any decision? Of course not. But the crux of this exercise is the realization that you, ultimately, are solely responsible for how things are - and that translates to a life that is exactly as it should be, given the circumstances, given your current choices. It is perfect.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-78917889399646083912012-06-27T17:13:00.000-07:002012-10-06T09:32:33.232-07:00Bend it like JonathanOne of my colleagues at Toastmasters gave a riveting speech last night. He called it, Don't Bring What You Don't Want Into Your Now. Catchy title, and certainly cryptic enough. He went on to expound on what we all tend to do - live in the past or worry about the future, but specifically, bring our past failures and regrets into our present moment. He urged us to realize that the past is gone, and although we all know that intellectually, on an emotional level it is quite another thing. I know that I have many things I regret, many things I feel guilty for, many things I would like to have been different. And all these negative emotions are ruining what might otherwise be a glorious Now. It's not enough to realize that the past is gone, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I must come to grips with my actions and decisions made in the past, and judge whether they were mistakes or simply poor choices. If they were mistakes, just forget about them and move on. If they were poor choices, then my present-day life is a reflection of whatever choices I made in the past. All of it, the good and the bad of it, my life now reflects my past choices. And for the most part, I must say it is good. <br/><br/>The point is also that the moment I realize or do something in the now, it's already the past. It's gone. As I'm typing this, I am not sitting with my husband. That's a choice, and it's done. Finished. Gone forever. It doesn't mean that it was a bad choice, just a choice I made, as I wanted to record my memories of that speech.<br/><br/>The speech was good. It was inspiring. And coming from such a young man, full of wisdom for the ages. <br/><br/> Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-2909538635760707982012-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:002013-01-07T05:28:34.609-08:00Choose Your Mood<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Good-Mood-Julian-L-Simon/dp/0812690982%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzemanta-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0812690982" target="_blank"><img alt="Cover of "Good Mood"" class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="300" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ZQS14X6QL._SL300_.jpg" title="Cover of "Good Mood"" width="197" /></a><br />
A member of our Toastmasters club gave a speech that inspired me to write. He began by asking whether an unpleasant experience in the morning is likely to dampen your entire day. To be sure, many people are afflicted by this: You have to rush to get ready for work, but the toddler has just flushed the car keys down the toilet; or the boiler developed a leak just as you have your most important presentation to make to a new client; or more commonly, you are stuck in killer traffic on a rainy day. Whatever it may be, too many among us will use that sort of diversion as an excuse to be in a foul mood all day. The scenario goes something like: You have an unexpected event, get to the office and glare at the receptionist, then are curt with your secretary and slam the door to your office. You are not able to concentrate well on your work, all the time reminiscing and replaying the unpleasant event, which makes you angrier and angrier as you remember the details. As luck would have it, the general manager is visiting the office, and wants to have a "word" with you. Oh, no, what did I do now? You leave your office, anxiously holding the report you submitted yesterday, and meet the GM with a long face. Nothing untoward happens, but you are still upset. When you get home, you growl at your wife, tell your children to leave you alone because you had a bad day, and when the cat tries to slink against your legs, you kick it. So, you had an unpleasant morning and ended up kicking the cat. Well, makes sense to me!<br />
<br />
How about another choice? Could it be that we can choose our mood? Is it possible to deal with these events individually and as they occur? Surely, some of them can't be dealt with on the spot: If the boiler springs a leak, you have to call the plumber and have it repaired. But this is merely an inconvenience: While you are at work, your wife can do the deed. The biggest inconvenience here is a small flood (which can be rectified) and the cost of repair/replacement (which can also be rectified). Bad traffic? Rainy day? Who cares? If you absolutely, positively have to be somewhere at a given hour, make sure you leave in plenty of time given the weather conditions. Listen to the traffic report. Be proactive. And if you are still late, having done your best, explain and be done with it. If your toddler has flushed your keys down the toilet on a day when you are rushing to get to work, call the plumber to retrieve them, then resolve not to leave them within reach of the baby. Etc. Whatever it is, deal with the events as they come, and compartmentalize them so as not to affect your whole day. No, you are not having a "bad day." You are simply allowing yourself to be in a bad mood, and I assure you that a "bad mood" does not exist as such - it is a choice.<br />
<br />
So choose a good mood! Why not, after all...Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-53926266388102717462012-05-23T08:52:00.000-07:002013-01-07T05:31:53.453-08:00Sincere Appreciation<a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GuadalupeNOLA15Oct07Thanks.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="New Orleans: Thank you message in the grotto o..." class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="206" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c4/GuadalupeNOLA15Oct07Thanks.jpg/300px-GuadalupeNOLA15Oct07Thanks.jpg" title="New Orleans: Thank you message in the grotto o..." width="300" /></a><br />
Last night, one of my colleagues gave an inspired speech about appreciation. He defined appreciation as the act of thanking someone for a job well done, not as vain flattery, but as a sincere acknowledgment of that person's hard work. Indeed, he pointed out how rarely one is acknowledged for going above and beyond, although I must say that in my experience, "management" is begun to acknowledge employees. Problem is, it is a form of blanket acknowledgment, rather than sincere recognition of those employees who go above and beyond. In my company, there are so many employees that perhaps that would be an insurmountable task, to not only be able to monitor each and every employee, but also to then make that employee feel special. So, our company has instituted various games and contests, with the winning contestant earning gift cards of various denominations, or other more valuable gifts.<br />
<br />
As my colleague explained, recognition of a job well done is a gift. It is a gift when given freely and sincerely. And sincerity is felt, as is flattery. Flattery does not feel genuine, and therefore does not feel good; in fact, it may actually feel demeaning if one gets the impression that he or she is being mocked. But sincere acknowledgment is also felt. The words used, the way they are used, the body language, and the situation for which they are used are all underpinnings of what winds up feeling genuine, deserved and ultimately good.<br />
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I love being acknowledged for a job well done. For example, when I come across a discrepancy, and bring it to the attention of my supervisor, it would really feel great if the supervisor pointed out, "Gee, that was a good catch!"<br />
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Sincere appreciation is akin to gratitude, about which I have written previously. With gratitude, one feels thankful for one's gifts, for the opportunities and situations, for the personal characteristics, for one's strengths -- even for one's weaknesses, as a source of learning. Where gratitude is internal, appreciation is a gift we give another. So, without being phony, do spend some energy acknowledging the people around you.<br />
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There seems to be a prevalent attitude that compliments might go to a person's head. What is meant by that is that saying something good about that person would render him or her insufferably obnoxious, with an attitude of haughty superiority. In fact, the opposite is true. Neurolinguistic programming suggests that the words we use affect our attitudes, and therefore, our behavior. And our behavior affects our moods and attitudes. Tell a child to sit in the back of the class because he doesn't participate well, and is distracting, is a sure way to ensure that the child behaves according to that pronouncement. The opposite is also true: that success breeds success. And "success" can be translated to acknowledgment, gratitude, or anything that will encourage the recipient to continue to act in the direction of the words just pronounced. Look into your own lives; recall times when you have been admonished and criticized, and times when you have been adulated. Then, extrapolate and recall how you felt, and what you were moved to do next. I can assure you that being complimented made you want more of the same. And vice versa.Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-44680836768086556452012-05-18T11:27:00.000-07:002012-10-06T06:54:51.621-07:00The Fear Hookup<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Casual_sex_poster.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" title="Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ..." src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d2/Casual_sex_poster.jpg" alt="Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ..." width="258" height="296" /></a><br/><br/>My usual TV programming before falling asleep is invariably something on the Food channel - something benign and entertaining, that does not require much concentration, just a background drone of recipes to lull me to sleep. That, until last night. While flipping through the channels, I came upon a gentleman who was evidently lecturing an unseen audience. I don't know why I lingered as he spoke about how casually young women nowadays engage in sexual relationships, claiming that they "don't mean anything," and that they don't "get emotionally involved," claiming that "It's just sex, it's no big deal." The gentleman argued that sex is a big deal, and should be a big deal, and that giving it casually away is a mark of fear on the part of women. Fear? Here is the reasoning. Sex, especially casual sex with no responsibilities, no "feelings," no promises is what young men most want. By yielding to that urge, a young woman is avoiding rejection, thinking that the young man is not likely to reject sex. But in so doing, what she is accomplishing is to build a very thick wall around herself; she is not revealing her inner soul, her tastes, her values, her various interests, her personality -- all she is accomplishing is giving away that which she thinks the young man wants and will not reject. She is, therefore, avoiding rejection. But the rejection she is avoiding is the shallow kind. Casual sex, the hookup that "doesn't mean anything," is nothing more inspired than what the lower animals do. With the difference that the lower animals only engage in it to reproduce; and humans engage in it for fun.<br/><br/>True, it is fun. It is pleasurable, and it should be. But it is so much more than simply an exchange of bodily fluids that "doesn't mean anything."<br/><br/>The man lecturing was an elder in the Catholic Church. Who knew?Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7355372948157250765.post-78934227823046415112012-05-10T06:21:00.000-07:002013-01-07T05:33:04.094-08:00The Faces of Happiness<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/58627294@N00/6649921291" target="_blank"><img alt="key to happiness" class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="160" src="http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7170/6649921291_5401593fc7_m.jpg" title="key to happiness" width="240" /></a><br />
I have come to understand that happiness takes many forms. And rarely do these forms include a state of giddiness or silly irresponsibility. In my case, my happiest moments have been when I have accomplished a great feat, a difficult project, or achieved an important goal. For example, one of my toughest courses at the university was a specialized computer course that I failed at first, but then chose to face the monster again and vanquished it, triumphant, and was granted the highest grade without needing to take the final exam. That was a victory over the subject matter, but much more importantly, it was a victory over myself and my own demons. It was just such difficulty that allowed me to see my deeper self, my core, realize my own strength; and it was that realization that produced a sense of joy and happiness.<br />
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There was another occasion where I chose to override my own urges; where I chose to toe the line, even though it was unpopular, unnecessary, even, and yet that choice of asceticism produced an enormous sense of joy, satisfaction, victory, triumph over myself that cannot be duplicated in any other way.<br />
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So, I ask you: is personal choice <a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/" rel="homepage" target="_blank" title="The Way to Happiness">the way to happiness</a>? In many ways, yes. In the situations I described above (and many others), clearly, it was a choice on my part to follow a certain course of action, action that was not as comfortable or pleasant, but action which ultimately was a measure of my mettle. It is that very sense of pride which has produced my happiness. And in my ability to make choices also resides my personal freedom. Were I not free, could I make any choices at all? Indeed, how many choices would be available to me? As it is, I have designed my life in such a way so as to have many choices in many situations, and looking at the sum total of my life, it looks like the choices I have made thus far have been solid ones.<br />
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In 1984, I applied and was accepted at <a class="zem_slink" href="http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=38.9007,-77.0508&spn=1.0,1.0&q=38.9007,-77.0508 (George%20Washington%20University)&t=h" rel="geolocation" target="_blank" title="George Washington University">George Washington University</a>. I was thrilled and proud to have been accepted at such a prestigious university. But of course, that would have involved relocating to Washington, D.C. where I knew no one, had no job, and did not like the weather. The more I thought about it, the harder it became. Leaving Miami meant abandoning my best friend, relinquishing the deep affinity and meditative spirit I attained from my weekly early morning pilgrimages to the beach, and also meant being far away from my son. The choice to study at GWU was all the more undesirable when I considered that I would have to push graduation farther by a year and a half to comply with its academic requirements. To clinch the deal, my boss gave me a raise which I simply could not refuse. The pros and cons did not even come close. Prestige of a degree from GWU vs. the life I had carved for myself thus far. My current life won.<br />
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More importantly, in retrospect, I am happy with the choice I made in 1984.<br />
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Then, in 1989, I had yet another opportunity to relocate to Washington, D.C., and again, life in Miami won out.<br />
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The point is that as I look over the choices I have made, I realize that they were all my choices -- the so-called good ones, and the not-so good ones. In fact, we all have infinite choice. The test is which ones we take? Robert Frost's poem, <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Road_Not_Taken_%28poem%29" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="The Road Not Taken (poem)">The Road Not Taken</a>, is quite applicable here:<br />
<h2>
The Road Not Taken</h2>
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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,<br />
And sorry I could not travel both<br />
And be one traveler, long I stood<br />
And looked down one as far as I could<br />
To where it bent in the undergrowth;<br />
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Then took the other, as just as fair,<br />
And having perhaps the better claim<br />
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,<br />
Though as for that the passing there<br />
Had worn them really about the same,<br />
<br />
And both that morning equally lay<br />
In leaves no step had trodden black.<br />
Oh, I marked the first for another day!<br />
Yet knowing how way leads on to way<br />
I doubted if I should ever come back.<br />
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I shall be telling this with a sigh<br />
Somewhere ages and ages hence:<br />
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,<br />
I took the one less traveled by,<br />
And that has made all the difference.<br />
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Robert Frost</div>
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I cannot know, of course, how my life would have turned out had I taken the other road. I do know how my life is now, and when I take full responsibility for my choices, I can clearly recognize the power behind the freedom I have, the freedom I have had to make the choices I have made, which have all converged to bring me to the present moment.</div>
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Yaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520004156563818318noreply@blogger.com2